The Logistics Nightmare Department of Transportation Unveils Plan for 3,000-Mile "Canadexico Interstate Highway" Bypass
OTTAWA-OAXACA — In a joint press conference that left civil engineers weeping openly, newly appointed officials from the hypothetical Department of Geopolitical Efficiency unveiled blueprints for Interstate CX-1: a continuous, high-speed bypass designed to connect Toronto directly to Tijuana.
The ambitious infrastructure project aims to bypass the “middle section of the continent entirely,” routing traffic through a complex series of subterranean tunnels and hyper-elevated sky-bridges over what officials repeatedly referred to as “the complicated part.”
“Look, the current map has too many steps,” said a spokesperson, gesturing to a whiteboard where a straight line had been aggressively drawn with a green dry-erase marker. “By merging the supply chains of Maple Syrup and Avocado Toast into a singular, frictionless corridor, we cut out the bureaucratic middleman. Drivers will be able to clear customs in Montreal and not have to stop until they hit the Yucatan.”
When asked by reporters how the highway would handle existing state borders, sovereign property rights, or basic laws of physics, the spokesperson sighed heavily, rubbed their temples, and replied, “Look, we don’t have time for your narrow-minded geographic technicalities. We just want it fixed.”
Construction is tentatively scheduled to begin as soon as someone finds a tape measure long enough.
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